I will ruffle feathers with that title. My intention is not to pick a fight. Today my writing is personal.  I want you to know the reasons why I’m no fan of resilience. I’ll take a step further and write why I want us to stop encouraging each other to have more of it.

We want to be strong. We think patience is a good thing. We encourage each other in our dreams and hopes. When we lack any or all these sentiments—when things aren’t going well, when we don’t feel strong at all—saying “be resilient!” is the last thing we want to hear. Please think through what you’re saying.

Simply put, resilience is exhausting. The tone these days is to see resilience as a positive. Here are ways I’ve seen the word used recently: my house is resilient; you’re not a victim because you’re resilient; if you focus more on the positive, you’ll be more resilient; move past your negativity and you’ll find resilience.

Listen. Well-intended comments these might be, but for someone who is stuck, who is in the middle of a crisis, and who is suffering, these are cute but pushy words. There is an implied, “Oh, you’ll be fine if you focus on resilience” and, dear people, that’s bullshit. Why are we pushing for resilience? My guess is that we’ve seen people experience hardship and then talk about how they found resilience. We are collectively awed, inspired. We think we can do it, too. Surely.

We can. But. BUT. Being resilient is draining. It solves no problems. It is about internal strength and grit, and putting up with a situation that’s likely horrid. Get through whatever is causing us pain? Ideally, yes.

Have you tried it, though? Have you tried picking yourself in the middle of a crisis with a pep talk? When you don’t have access to your home, car, family, information, water, electricity, food, “Oh, you’re so resilient” is the last thing you want to hear. You try telling people in war zones to be resilient. See how well that goes down. Go into a disaster zone after a typhoon, earthquake, forest fire, landslide and tell them to be resilient. I hope you can understand how shallow this sounds.

I say all this from experience. Resilience is an incredible act of grace to give oneself with the understanding you have the mental strength, emotional courage, and the physical stamina to deal with whatever you’re going through.

Encouraging resilience sounds an awful lot like, “You’ll be fine.” I’ve been told at some of my lowest moments, “Just focus,” and “This, too, shall pass,” and “It’ll work out,” and “You can handle this,” and All in good time.” If one is going through any type of negativity, encouraging them to be resilient is a sentiment with no backing. How? How is someone going through trauma supposed to be resilient? What would that even look like? Show me a practical and tangible way to be resilient through a crisis—make it specific and doable.

Praising resilience and trying to promote it negates the underlying pain and trauma. The cloaked encouragement to “muddle through” is neither realistic nor helpful. We need to start looking at resilience from the standpoint of what created that trauma. We may be resilient. We may find a way through to handle our day-to-day interactions when life seems to be falling apart around us. Instead of congratulating us for our so-called resilience, ask us how we did it. Don’t assume it comes naturally. Do assume we had to pull our hair out at times to get through the day. Resilience stems from an event that is far from pretty or easy. Don’t overlook the pain. Don’t blow off the difficulty we experience in just getting through one conversation, project, meal, assignment, or day.

Resilience takes energy when energy is the last thing we have extra of. Please be mindful of the fact encouraging and complimenting resilience solves nothing.

Also, people, since when are houses resilient? Honestly.