My father died a year ago. No part of his demise and death was easy. Nor was the aftermath.

It just so happened that I last spoke to him on my birthday a year ago which was two weeks ago. He went to sleep after we hung up and never woke up. Dad died two days later. Six days after he died was his birthday. Early October this year wasn’t fun and that dear people, is putting it mildly.

I was reminded of the Buddhist service I attended April 2023. Family and friends gathered at a Buddhist temple to commemorate the 1^st memorial of death. He was a dear friend; I was honored to be there.

In Buddhism, there is a calendar for which year (post death) should be highlighted with an event at the temple. I think it’s the first, third, fifth, ninth, 13^th, 30-something, and then 50^th. There is an understanding, an expectation that whatever family is remaining will hold a service at a temple. The Buddhist monks chant. There are a few speeches. We all offer incense.

Christians don’t do this. As my parents were/are serious about their Christian faith, there’s no way for me to say, “Hey! Let’s follow the Buddhist calendar and…” I wouldn’t be able to finish the sentence; shock, gasp, how can she say such a thing. There’s also the fact I doubt a Buddhist temple near me would let me come in and ask for a service for my Christian father. I’ve not in any way commemorated dad’s death except to cry on my own. This feels wrong. Surely there is something more I could do. That I could have done. But what? How would I go about asking the Christian community to follow the religious tradition of an entirely different faith?

Why is it that in the West we really don’t do death well? (Do death?) I know of no one who has prepared for death as part of their upbringing; theirs, or others’. We all know it’s coming. We all know we will die as well, but still talking about it ahead of time is painful and awkward. It’s easy to say we’ll have “this chat” some other day.

I want something more than an annual reminder. I like the Buddhist service I attended for my friend. Deeply moving is more apt than like. Can we borrow? Is that allowed? Could we collaborate? Is that off-bounds? Can we at least, do death better?

Talk about grief. Help people through it. Send a card of letter out of the blue. Text. Call. A random, “I’m thinking of you” especially when unexpected, is soul soothing. It lessens grief and trauma.

In the meantime, I might find a temple that will welcome me in to meditate. Honor Dad that way. I just have this feeling he might be okay with it.